Who Let the Dragons Out?
by Simurgh
Summary: Eve, a hot young thief, and Icarus, a mysterious ex-assassin, are searching for the ancient dragon's treasure. Romance, adventure and, of course, parody. Sourcery & Hogfather & Pyramids & The Hobbit. I dedicate my humble story to Terry.
1. Enter Dagger

Heavy, gray fog was wriggling between shady houses of Shades, twisting around the corners, sneaking through the broken windows and cumbering Shades' virtuous inhabitants who were innocently working the night shift. Cats were miaowing and fighting over some fish bones (the ex-fish was a pollutia ankhmorporkia, a species which managed to survive in the Ankh thanks to its scales which could hold through a nuclear impact). Only two death-rattles broke the silence of the night so far, which was considered unimaginable by the native Shadians.

***

A russet-colored cat had won the fight and now was proudly gnawing the bone. It glanced down the alley and saw a slim, black silhouette emerging inaudibly through the fog. Once the silhouette has gotten near the cat, i.e. behind the grim building, it agilely slided up the wall, opened a obscured window and disappeared as fast as it came. The cat miaowed and lazily continued to chew the bone.

***

It was quite cold inside, as if the fire hadn't been lighted for weeks. The floor was in no better shape than the dirty walls, so the wood squeaked as the thief made one reckless move. He froze. "All right, slowly now..." the thief thought. He made a mental note of where the possible hiding places and exits are, took a deep but quiet breath and continued sneaking. The big room was incredibly gloomy. Grey walls were damaged in many places. Looking at the dark wood furniture, it could be concluded that it was a living room, old and unused. The thief wondered why the place hadn't been robbed yet, a destiny which would befit any decent abandoned house in Shades. One more step forward... He crouched in front of the door, took out pick locks and opened the massive door in no more than five seconds. And then the thief stopped, stunned. The treasure was in front of him, laying proudly in a battered show case, shining as the foggy, dispersed street light fell on it through the dirty window. A diamond dagger. Stronger than meteorite, sharper than Death's Scythe. Okay, nothing is sharper than Death's Scythe (which is named Jim, by the way), but you get the point. Sharp as in _folks, don't try to touch the air around it!_ sharp. The thief came closer, not getting his glowing, greedy eyes off the dagger, and carefully took it. It was around twelve inches long, simple and elegant, heavier than expected. And warm. The thief turned around in fear, realizing the dagger had been held by someone else, a moment before he broke in... He decisively stuck the dagger into his belt, flew to the window and jumped out.

***

The cat snorted nervously when she heard a noise. She was very angry. A fat one-eyed tomcat had usurped her bones and tried to jump her. She hissed on a person lying on a bunch of shattered boards and tried to scratch his cloaked face but a shiny thing suddenly caught her attention and she attacked that object instead. She barely even touched the interesting object, her claws were instantly cut short. The cat ran away, frightened and with free manicure done.

***

The person jumped up and started running fast, in the direction of the bridge. Not for long. After ten feet he fell to the floor, hit by a painful spell. The thief saw a big shape coming closer, turning into a very fat, crimson-clad old man as he was getting closer. With a wizard hat.

"Don't move, youngster!!!", the wizard said in a strong, mad voice. "Hmmm... Interesting... _Very_ interesting. That's why I let you stretch your legs a bit before I kill you... Interesting...", he murmured the last word to himself, looking thoughtfully.

"What's so interesting, Mr. Evil Wizard?", hissed the thief. "My jumping out from your window and landing painfully on my butt? That's really _amazing_, isn't it? Wanna see some more special grating moves before you kill me?"

"Don't be arrogant in front of a wizard, youngster. Even those morons from the Unseen University wouldn't forgive that. We, wizards, are cocky creatures."

"Yes, the only thing bigger than a wizard's ego is his stomach", muttered the thief, frowning. He scanned the surroundings, clenched his fist around the hidden dagger in his sleeve and jumped up. He made an elegant pirouette to avoid the surprised wizard's blow and stuck the dagger in his titanic stomach. "What is interesting? Answer me!"

"Always listen to yourself, kid", laughed the wizard, "It was stupid of you to attack my...soft side... Hahaha! Ahahahaha!!!"

"What's... so... INTERESTING?", yelled the thief between the attempts of conjugating his dagger with the wizard's throat.

"Interesting? Interesting!? My dear, beloved, _treacherous_ dagger is interesting!!! It betrayed me! It let you touch it and take it from me when it should burn your rapacious little hands as it always did to my enemies!!! You should have burned like a banana flambe! You little witch! Idiot! Paramecium! Internal combustion engine! Fruit shampoo! Hahahaha!!!!

"Oh, dear..."

"And now", the wizard gasped, "You will give it... back to me... Or I'll make your insides... fight with your... outsides! Hahahahahaaaarrrghf..."

He suddenly collapsed dead to the ground, looking like a huge, bearded, bloody pudding. His fat undulated in such manner that the thief thought he was never going to eat jelly ever again. The thief turned around, staring in wonder. Someone has just saved his life.

***

Elvendork Bobblewax, corrupted wizard, also called The Bringer of Despair, The Mad Hippo of Ankh-Morpork, or simply That-Crazy-Fat-Old-Man-with-Idiotic-Clothes, as his irritated neighbors used to call him, stopped laughing. He saw his beautiful (a wizard's aesthetic taste should NEVER be compared to a normal man's aesthetic taste), huge, pointed hat, lying on the cobble. Slowly, he glided his eyes to a new geographic element - a crimson-clad mountain, with beard exactly the same as his.

"ELVENDORK BOBBLEWAX, THE BRINGER OF DESPAIR, THE MAD HIPPO OF ANKH-MORPORK, THAT-CRAZY-FAT-OLD-MAN-WITH-IDIOTIC-CLOTHES. FOLLOW ME", a grave voice called, voice which carried childhood memories of the Universe, saw stars give birth to planets, and knew the sex of Great A'Tuin.

"M-m-my... m-my _stomach_!!! It truly is _gigantic_!!!! How come I have never noticed!? ... Death, right?", asked Elvendork, looking tired and broken.

"SCULL TO TOE", Death said.

"Are there any gyms? Cereal!? Cindy Crawford video-tapes!?", the wizard was hopefully inquiring.

"IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOU. GET READY. WE MUST GO NOW." Death took Jim, his faithful scythe and proffesionally swung his arm.

"What about leggings? I'm gonna need some nice pink spandex leggings if I intend to work-out...", the russet-colored cat heard Elvendork Bobblewax say before his voice was lost in the wind. She was happy now. She's found a new huge bed, very soft and comfortable, and it was of beautiful crimson color.

***

Icarus watched the small, slim shape graciously diffusing into the fog and decided to follow the sound of the light footsteps. He deducted that the thief was going to the Ankh Bridge, so he took a shortcut through an unlighted alley, en passant stabbed his knife in a dirty robber who tried to concuss him, dodged through hanging laundry and tumbled on someones singing head. "Fucking drunkard. Go swoon somewhere else!" He climbed on the top of a miniature wannabe tavern called "The Toothless Pirate" and waited for the sound to come closer.

***

The thief couldn't breathe. Someone tall and strong was holding him by the neck and arms so hard that he couldn't make a move. He kicked devilishly, trying to reach the stranger's groin and hurt him. He couldn't reach it so he stepped on the man's foot, wanting to break his ankle. "Let me go, _let_ _go_!", the thief screamed paranoically.

The man let go, seeming surprised. "You're a _woman_?", he asked in a deep voice.

The thief bridled up and took of his... _her_ hood. The stranger stared in disbelief. Fog smoothed the glow of her rich, golden hair, but he could perceive her slant eyes sparkling with anger, perfect nose, proud lips, high cheekbones. The thief was a very young woman, the kind of which could make a marble statue run the playing-field and do three hundred push-ups.

"I... You stole something I need", Icarus managed to say.

"The dagger? I've no intentions to bestow it upon you, especially after the near-death experience with a crazed wizard and a mysterious troll-strangler a.k.a. you. So, fuck off." She turned around and started walking when the man grabed her again.

"You owe me something. You didn't ask yourself who saved you from the 'crazed wizard'?"

She spread her eyes. "It was you?"

"Moi."

"Why? To get the dagger from me? Why didn't you take it yourself? I got to it first. It's _mine_ now."

"I really need it. Now, I could kill you where you stand and take it myself, or you could give it to me."

"No. Besides, you can't take it. The wizard said it chose me. You could burn like a banana flambe", she smiled. He melted. Then he smiled too.

"I'm not going to kill you. I saw you fight. You're very skillful for your age and gender. It would be a waste of good training... How's old Mericet doing? Still merry and sharing candies with students?", he asked with a sarcastic smile.

"How did you...? No... I'm not an assassin anymore. Only when necessary. How..."

He laughed. "How did I know? I'm also not an assassin... anymore."

***

The Troll's Head at dawn was full and noisy as usual. A dozen of dwarfs just came in to arouse. Who needs a rooster or that demonic alarm-clock when you can get a nice axe fight first thing in the morning? An orangutan sitting at the bar was eating peanuts and listening sympathetically to a fat drunken peasant.

"One mowre.. one mowre round... Hic... An' den, I say, I say... "Tom, don't ya kill dat small chickin. See dat fat brown one ova' there yonder ova' the fence?" An' he say "Yeas". An' I say "Well, if you kill dat chickin, y'all can eat. She's as big as a tractor. Y'all can ea..."

Orangutan quietly escaped the peasant's small talk and went to play the piano. No one could say "no" to his leather palms which could easily turn the afore mentioned chicken into soup.

Two figures came in, both dressed in black, their faces hidden under the capes. One was small and slim, turning around nervously, and the other was over six feet tall and muscular. A young nobleman and his bodyguard, the tavern keeper thought. Rich boys thought it was 'cool' to come to places like The Troll's Head, but they would soon give up after being robbed of all but their underwear. The two took a table in the most unlit corner and started talking silently.

"All right, here's what I have for you: imagine a dragon. Now, imagine his/her lair. A big one, the size of the Isle of Gods. And now, imagine the amount of treasure in such lair", Icarus said.

"You're kidding. First of all, dragons don't exist anymore. Second, no cave's that big and unexplored. Knowing people, dwarfs, gnomes, trolls and anthropomorphic personifications, no treasure in the whole flat Disc would remain unplundered. And finally, will you tell me what the heck do you need my brand new dagger for?"

"You'll see", he smiled. She was frustrated she couldn't see his face. It was hidden behind a big hood and ninja-like mask, and all she could see was the mischievous dazzle in his eyes when he smiled. After all, she had shown him her precious face.

"Let's say your fairytale is true. Where is the cave, then?"

"You have to trust me before I tell you anythi.."

"Trust you!?", interrupted the girl. "You're the dark and mysterious one, lurking behind a mask!", she exploded and jumped off her shabby chair.

"You have to trust me and I have to trust _you_. If you haven't noticed, I still don't know your name", Icarus said sternly.

The thief-girl sat down. She was still frowning and now she started cursing under her breath.

Icarus smiled again. "So?"

"Fuck off. I'm not telling you _anything_ about me."

"But I already know enough about you. From how you react I know even more. You're in. You can have the job, and a nice percent, if you agree", he stated.

"You know nothing about me. _Nothing_." She felt the anger, emptiness and despair coming up again. She had to stop them. If she hated something, she hated crying.

"You can call me... Ahmm... X... It will make our future conversations easier, and you will stop inquisiting me", she declared seriously.

"I'm not gonna call you X. Think up some better name. Like, Iphigenia or Chlomidonda. So I could call you Iphy or Chlomy", he joked.

"All right, all right!!! Arggfh!!!", roared the thief, "Let's say I'm Evelindomeda, and you can call me Eve. Happy now?"

"Happy", smiled Icarus.

***


	2. Can I Have Some More Gold, Please?

***

_This is where the dragons went.  
They lie ...  
Not dead, not asleep. Not waiting, because waiting implies expectation.  
Possibly the word we're looking for here is...  
. . . dormant.  
And although the space they occupy isn't like normal space,  
nevertheless they are packed in tightly. Not a cubic inch there but is  
filled by a claw, a talon, a scale, the tip of a tail, so the effect is like  
one of those trick drawings and your eyeballs eventually realise that the  
space between each dragon is, in fact, another dragon:  
They could put you in mind of a can of sardines, if you thought  
sardines were huge and scaly and proud and arrogant.  
And presumably, somewhere, there's the key._

***

"All right, here's what I know...

Noble dragons, or _draco nobilis_, are creatures which, by any means of physics, shouldn't exist. They're enormous, yet they can fly; they can produce an extremely hot flame, and not get hurt. The swamp dragons you've probably seen differ from _nobilis_ as a building differs from a crate. The only thing which can explain their existence is magic. However, dragons are more greedy than Cut-Me-Own-Throat-Dibbler. They live of magic and they live for treasure.

The dragon I was telling you about is dead. He (or she, I don't know) was last seen some three hundred years ago. My great-great-etc. grandfather saw it one summer; he alarmed the whole village, everyone went out with pitchforks and hoes - crazy people, trust me - and chased the dragon out to the mountains. Then he disappeared. He hadn't combusted anyone, hadn't raped young maidens, hadn't took a single coin. He simply appeared and then disappeared. No one's ever seen him since."

"But how do you know about the treasure, if the dragon appeared only once... it could have been an illusion or something", Eve said.

"I knew you were going to say that. No, it wasn't an illusion. My ancestor and few other men went into those mountains the next day; you see, they were as greedy as the dragon himself. They were combing the area whole day and night, searching for a cave. Next morning, one of the men went for a piss behind some bush, just next to a huge rock. He went there... And suddenly vanished."

Eve seemed wonder-struck. "What happened to him", she asked.

"Other (mis)fortune-hunters jumped up, ran to that place and saw a hole beneath the rock. The man fell into it. What a death, huh? He died with dignity... In his hands", Icarus joked. "My rural ancestor and his friends carefully descended. They lit the torches, precautiously drew their swords - or pitchforks, judging their offsprings I saw last summer when I was searching for clues - and stopped dumb. Tons and tons of gold, silver, jewels - anything you'd like - laid around their astonished faces, unattended, shining at them under the torchlight."

"Wow. Did they take it", Eve wanted to know.

"They started pulling the treasure out. In their whole lives they haven't seen more than a dozen coins, and now they had a golden mountain. Imagine how they felt. I'm sure they were planning to contest in 'who has more chickens' or 'who can have the most tawdry clothes'. I feel sorry for such people. Don't make such face, you'll feel sorry for them too when you hear what happened next.

My ancestor was on the surface, pulling the preloaded leather bag out..."

***

"Jack, ye olde goat! Pull stronger! Stronger!!!"

"Oh, shut up and come to ground to help me", Jack yelled back.

"Morgan, laddy, climb thy arse up and see to help Jack... My back hurt from loading ye shitty bag"

Jack watched the young man climb up the rocks, when a gigantic shadow over-casted the hole. Jack and Morgan looked up, scared.

"What are thee waiting for! Climb, thee goat's filth", shouted the oldest man from the bottom of the cave at Morgan.

He was looking at the daylight on the surface... then the light suddenly disappeared. Old man was frowning, stretching out to see Morgan. A moment later, he saw him next to him. Lloyd, the man who died when he fell down, was standing there too.

"Laddies? What happened", the old man insecurely asked, "Lloyd? Aren't thee gone?"

"I am gone, ye olde pig", blunted Lloyd.

"Y'ALL ARE GONE, BOTH LADDIES AND YE OLDE PIG."

"And who might be thee, sir Blacky?"

"I AM AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION"

"An whaa...?"

"I AM THY WORST NIGHTMARE", Death acknowleged.

"No, thee are not, sir. Me worst nightmare is me late wife... An olde hag", Lloyd said categorically.

"And mine is spiders! Fowl creatures", added Morgan.

"I AM DEATH. _THE _DEATH", Death gave up. "AND YOU COULD USE SOME NICE BOOKES, LADDIES. IT'S NEVER LATE TO LOOK OUT OF THY FENCE."

The three men looked at Death as if he'd told them to kiss goat's filth.

***

Jack came to his senses and sat up to see the cave buried with rocks. The ground behind him was on dying fire. The dragon was nowhere to be seen.

He started running away when he glimpsed some light. The treasure! He had a bag of treasure! What a luck, he thought. I'm alive and I've made a fortune. Poor Morgan. Poor Lloyd. He even felt sorry for the old grumpy Huckleberry. If he had known where they've ended, he would have mourn even more for his old friends. (Actually, they were having pretty fun time. It turned out some of those afterlife books were illustrated so imaginatively that the village priest would get a heart-attack and the local maidens would gladly awake and use him for fun in absence of possible husbands. Lloyd met his deceased wife and they made up, deading happily ever after.)

Jack grabbed the bag and opened it. The treasure was there. His own treasure. The glimpse came from something pellucid which looked like glass. A crystal dagger. Jack took it, stunned by the way the dagger refracted the light. It was elongated and extremely sharp. He hadn't realized how much until he came back home and saw some golden pieces cut in two or more. There wasn't much treasure left in the bag. It fell through the thin, long hole.

***

"It turned out the dagger isn't made of crystal. It's a diamond dagger. Unique. And just as the dragons themselves, impossible to exist. But it does", Icarus finished the story.

They kept silent for a minute, watching the tavern life. The piano was screaming as the Librarian danced his fingers across the fingerboard; two confused-looking trolls were standing besides him, thinking whether to take a risk and throw him out. Their few neurons buzzed for a while and finaly decided to ignore the ape. Swoon drunkards were all over the floor so a group of local legendary super-heroes had to jump (or fly) over them in order to get out. The hero in pink underwear dressed over yellow leggings bumped over a dwarf and got an axe in his ass. But soon, the crew in the tavern became less motley, because for the most it was time to go home. It was nearly 8 am.

"Icarus, why didn't your great-great-etc. grandfather go looking for the cave later? Or someone else? How come it hasn't been found during three centuries?"

"Jack kept it a secret. Only his family knew about the treasure. He and his sons went to the site every day, digging, moving rocks, doing what not... That entrance was gone forever."

"_That _entrance? So, there is another one", Eve concluded.

"Yes. The hole they've found was just a hole... We are going to enter the lair on the main door", Icarus said with a devilish glow in his eyes.


	3. Cavemen aka Meeting with the Past

***

Great A'Tuin glided slowly through cosmos. The giant turtle's wise eyes were blind to newborn stars and black holes as well as some small purple doughnut-shaped planets (inhabited by lizards with doughnut-shaped heads) which started popping all over the place these days. Space is inscrutable, indeed. The turtle was also impassive to four elephants on his/her shell, even though one of them was trying to mate with another one. The result was terrible earthquake in Ephebe and tsunami which flooded coasts of Counterweight Continent. And smaller earthquakes were shaking the earth all over the disc.

***

Eve and Icarus, burdened by mountain gear worthy of Sherpas, were panically running and evading rocks falling off mountains, which behaved like they wanted to fraternize with the plains. If they weren't enjoying Ramtops' geology, they would be stunned by Ramtpos' flora & fauna... massive trees gilded by upcoming autumn, wild dark green grass, flowing with butterflies, bunnies and fawns (and dark creatures with red glowing eyes, shining fangs and slavering mouth). But all they could think about was where to hide until the earth stops moulting and the landslide stops. They left the village two hours ago and were now searching for "Ye Olde & Glorious Main Entrance to ye Evil Dragon's Cave". The villagers confirmed that no one has seen the dragon for three hundred years, and acted ignorant when they were asked for the place where Icarus' ancestor and other men had disappeared. Eve, irritated, started pulling out one of her many new knifes (The Happy Assassin Set of 12 Extra Sharp Knifes, only 49,99$), but Icarus quickly interfered. He jumped to one man and thrust him up the cottage wall with one hand, lowering his mask with the other. Eve saw the man's face becoming appalled and she heard Icarus roaring at him: "You're gonna tell me what you know, aren't you", and the man's frightened answer: "O-o-kay.. I, I, I... Okay..." Then he unwinded his tongue and told them everything the village people knew. While they were leaving, Eve heard some of the man's distant babbling: "...Ghost...", "...Eyes lik da devil...", "...Ghost, I tell yew!" and "Cletus, drop dat did frog back there yonder in da casspool!"

Eve was now even more curious to see Icarus' face.

***

"Watch out!" she screamed, pulling Icarus and saving his head from receiving a 1000 lbs rock. Barely on time. But it managed to scratch his left shoulder, leaving a long bloody trail. Icarus hissed painfully.

"Oh, shit! Keep moving! Common!", Eve yelled, "I think I see a shelter..."

She took him by his hand and started running towards the shallow cave she saw. Twenty feet... Ten feet... Another heavy rock fell in front of them from dark green, overcast sky. On top of everything, a summer storm will begin every second. It's good that frogs and cows haven't started falling, Eve thought. Though gold would be nice. Raining gold, she was thinking amorously. Two more feet...

"Here we are... We should be safe here. Fuckin' earthquake, I feel like I'm standing on a jelly fish", she complained. "Take off your shirt." A thunder suddenly uttered and heavy rain started to fall.

"I'm all right. Been worse, trust me", Icarus said.

"Take it off, I don't want you to faint now. You've lost enough blood for an elephant. I've never tried to stop someone bleed to death, but if I can make it flow, I can make it stop", said the ex-assassin.

"You really want that gold, don't you?", asked Icarus faintly as Eve started to chop his black sleeve.

"Gold, well of course... And jewels... And a bit of ancient artifacts for the sake of archaeology. I like history, you knew that? Oh, and I've always wanted to have a human scull. Do you think there will be some beautiful sculls? If not I'm gonna have to rob some tomb after I get back to Ankh-Morpork"

"Buy a replica from some wizard... They love that occult shit..."

"A replica? Haha, no. I want a real one. Dead. From a real human skeleton. I love them... They're so cute.", Eve said effeminately.

"Cute... You're totally crazy... How come a beautiful young woman like you is obsessed with death?"

"I'm not obsessed. I just... Like it. That's all", she said with distant sadness in her beautiful husky voice.

"Where's your family, Eve?"

She suddenly changed the topic. "You should get out on sunlight sometimes. Look how pale you are. You've turned into a vampire."

"You didn't answer my question", Icarus said.

"And I won't... Here. Mission successful. You've stopped bleeding", she said as she finished patching him, looking at his aristocratic skin. So different from the peasants who Icarus said were his cousins.

"Talking about family", she said, "are you sure you're connected to those people we saw? I haven't seen you, but I simply can't imagine you being one of them, even through a distant relationship"

Icarus was quiet for a long moment. "If I tell you something, will you answer me my question?"

"Well... Okay."

"You're right. Jack is not my ancestor. Five years ago, while I was still a very young aspiring assassin, I stole the diary of my deceased colleague, Jack's real descendant, back at the Guild. My best friend helped me with it, and we've found out everything you know now, planning what to do with the treasure, living lasciviously as if we already had it. But he was killed soon after. By some of _us_. That's why I left the Guild. I swore to find out who killed him and avenge his death." Icarus stopped talking. He turned his head away, looking at the direction of the rain, listening to the noise the water was making as it was falling to the ground.

"I'm so sorry", Eve said quietly, "If you want, I will help you find out who did that. I know how you feel..."

Icarus smiled. "Thank you. I've already done that. I killed the man who killed James. It was our roommate."

"Son of a bitch", Eve jumped up, angry at the world. "I hope you made him suffer, dirty traitor. I know how you feel. I lost someone too."

"Your family?", Icarus asked softly.

"No, not them... We separated long time ago. They were idiots, as much as I remember... I lost someone I loved... That's what you wanted to know, isn't it?"

"One of the things, yes... Who was he?"

"It doesn't matter. But he was also killed by one of his "friends". Son of a bitch was jealous and poisoned him. It's my fuckin' fault.", Eve collapsed, battered. "It's my fault", she said.

Icarus came closer and caressed her on the cheek. "No, it's not... It's not your fault people are evil, or traitors, or jealous... Just as it's not _my_ fault people are ignorant, mean and xenophobic. But you have to learn to live with that."

"Live with that? No! I killed that bastard. I was killing him slowly, watching him suffer, just like Dani did, just like I did... You see, I like clean deaths, just like any normal assassin. But I wanted him to die from pain, not knife. And he did."

"You really loved Dani, did you?", Icarus wanted to know.

"Well... I did. Now that I think of it, I wasn't very crazy about him, but he was a great person. I loved him as a friend. And he had most beautiful long, curly hair, as black as sin, and same black eyes. People thought he was an elf", Eve smiled. "But he shouldn't have died. It's not fair."

Though Icarus brightened when Eve said she didn't love that Dani so much, he completely darkened when she started describing Dani's imposing appearance, and started listening to the rain again. Few white hairs slipped out from his mask and he quickly tucked them back.

***


End file.
